FOR LEXOPHILES ... LOVERS OF WORDS
A friend sent this to me in an e-mail. Rather than forward it to all of my known friends and relations, I'm posting it here so that even more of you can chuckle along with me.
Enjoy!
1.A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.2.A will is a dead giveaway.
3.Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4.A backward poet writes inverse.
5.A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7.The guy who fell on to an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8.You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9.He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10.A calendar's days are numbered.
12.A boiled egg is hard to beat.
13.Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
14.To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
15.The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
16.When the smog lifts in Los Angeles ….. U.C.L.A.
17.He had a photographic memory, which unfortunately was never developed.
18.The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
19.Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
20.When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
21.If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
22.In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
23.A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
24.When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
25.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
26.Acupuncture: a jab well done.
27.A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
28.If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
29.A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.30.The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
31.If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
32.A plateau is a high form of flattery.
33.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
34.Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
35.The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
36.A grenade that fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
37.I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
38.She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. (Aye!!!!)
39.With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
40.A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
42.Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
43.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
44.We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
45.A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
46.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
47.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
48.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
49.A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
51.Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.
52.When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
53.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
54.A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
55.Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.
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